Tanya Roberts may be gone, but she’s not forgotten to The Conflicted Film Snob. Far from it.

In Part One of this retrospective, we tackled 1983’s Storia d’armi e d’amori and the 1982 sword-and-sandal classic, Beastmaster. Without further ado, let’s knock out two other major works from Roberts’ filmography and get some closure on what is her finest performance/movie appearance.

Sheena: Queen of the Jungle (1984, dir. John Guillermin)

Brief Synopsis—As in all good stories, the film begins with a child becoming an orphan at the foot of the sacred Gudjara Mountain in Africa. This child is adopted by the big-hearted Zambouli tribe and grows to be Sheena (Roberts).

Sheena is taught the basics of both the jungle and its fauna, eventually learning how to—and I’m quoting myself here—”telepathic[ally] commun[e] with beasts of prey and burden.” In other words, a female Beastmaster, a Beastmother, if you will!)

All is not so pastoral in Zambouli, though; it seems their land is rich in titanium, which can only mean one thing: dick-headed men with SUVs and guns bent on strip mining!

And it’s this subplot that leads Sheena to rescue her adoptive mother, Shaman, from prison (don’t ask) with the able assistance of an elephant named “Chango,” a chimp named “Tiki,” and a zebra named “Marika,” the latter being Sheena’s favorite mode of transport and, one suspects, a horse painted with black and white strips. (Beastmaster shoutout #2: Ruh the “panther”!)

We rush towards the climax, one involving a helicopter, a flamboyance of flamingos (look it up) and a car crash involving Sheena’s love interest, a reporter named Vic, who witnessed the earlier prison break and, not surprisingly, found himself smitten with Sheena’s Alberto VO5 coiffure.

Thespi-o-Matic Greatness Objectivity Index®

• Rides Horse Scored to Euro-Synth/Rides Horse Painted to Look Like a Zebra—13/10 (Three bonus points awarded for nailing both criteria. See video clips below for glorious visual evidence.)

• Whilst Screaming a Character’s Name and/or Just Talking in General, Makes Noises Not Unlike My Dog Attacking His Squeaky Toy—10/10 (Three years into this incredible four-year run of classics, Roberts’ delivery only becomes more convincingly harsh.)

• Plays Character Whose Education/Title Belies Her Overall Appearance/Way She Comports Herself—1/10 (Once more and sadly, Roberts looks, acts and dresses the part of the queen of the jungle.)

• Wears an Outfit Inappropriate for the Occassion and/or in Tatters to Allow for Inappropriate Audience Voyeurism—10/10 (Roberts’ slightly distressed jungle bikini-wear ups the jiggle factor to dangerously high levels.)

• Finds Herself Not Only in Grave Danger, but at a Great Height—10/10 (All I can say is this: one hasn’t lived until one has watched the scene in which Sheena is almost thrown off a cliff and into a treacherous waterfall. Hint: flamingos.)

A View to A Kill (1985, dir. John Glen)

Brief Synopsis—In what has to be one of the Bond series’ most impressive pre-credits sequences, OO7 not only snowboards down a slope using part of a destroyed snowmobile, not only shoots down a Russian helicopter with a flare, not only pretends to ski in front of some bad rear-projection, but also beds a lovely in a submarine disguised as an iceberg.

How does one top this?

Well, create a plot in which—according to the Wikipedia writeup—a “psychopathic industrialist [Max Zorin], the product of a Nazi genetic experiment…plans to destroy Silicon Valley to gain a monopoly in the microchip market.”

Enter geologist Stacey Sutton, whose family owns a business Zorin needs to realize his nefarious plan. However, being a strong-willed professional (California state geologist), a true modern woman, Stacey isn’t about to be pushed around by some psychopathic industrialist, let alone one born of Nazi genetic experimentation.

Which leads her into the arms of your favorite licensed-to-kill British agent who, as played by the 58-year-old Roger Moore, wears his trousers so high his belt chaffs his nipples.

Which propels our heroes into some hairy set pieces at 1) Stacey’s family estate; 2) a San Francisco high rise; 3) an incredibly long hook & ladder; 4) a mine abutting the San Andreas Fault; and, finally, 5) the top of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Thespi-o-Matic Greatness Objectivity Index®

• Rides Horse Scored to Euro-Synth/Rides Horse Painted to Look Like a Zebra—1/10 (Alas, not that type of movie. However, one point awarded for the scene that takes place at a horse race, not to mention Christopher Walken, as the evil Zorin, telling Bond, “I’m happiest in the saddle.”)

• Whilst Screaming a Character’s Name and/or Just Talking in General, Makes Noises Not Unlike My Dog Attacking His Squeaky Toy—13/10 (Robert screeching “James” about 258 times forever will haunt your dreams.)

• Plays Character Whose Education/Title Belies Her Overall Appearance/Way She Comports Herself—9/10 (Much like 58-year-old Moore ain’t no physically imposing secret agent, Stacey Sutton ain’t no geologist.)

• Wears an Outfit Inappropriate for the Occassion and/or in Tatters to Allow for Inappropriate Audience Voyeurism—2/10 (Much to the audience’s disappointment, Roberts dresses sensibly throughout. However, bonus point awarded for director Glen lingering on her bottom as she climbs down a ladder.)

 

• Finds Herself Not Only in Grave Danger, but at a Great Height—13/10 (Between her aforementioned climb down a very long ladder and her vertiginous battle atop the blimp snagged on the highest reaches of the Golden Gate Bridge, I figure Stacey for retirement on the shore of the Dead Sea. Bonus points awarded for the way Bond jumps from a bridge in Paris only to land awkwardly on a wedding cake atop a passing Bateaux Mouche!)

Let’s crunch the data…

• Storia d’armi e d’amori—Point total: 34
• Beastmaster—Point total: 34
• Sheena—Point total: 44
• A View to a Kill—Point total: 38

There it is. Despite my preference for California state geologist Stacey Sutton, the winner is clear: Sheena: Queen of the Jungle is Tanya Roberts greatest moment. #RIP.