Bond theme songs, ranked.
Yeah, it’s been done before. But not by the CFS via his patent-pending toolbox of complicated song-ranking algorithms. Which is another way of saying that what follows isn’t subjective, but rather accurate to within a micrometer of the empirical truth. Because there’s no fake news on the CFS’s blog, only brilliance built on the foundation of a very, very small loan I got from my father many years ago.
Let us then work backwards to forwards, clawing our way through the first (last?) seven, each such an affront to the art of songwriting as to cause thousands of birds to drop from the sky, stunned by the cacophony wafting like post-cassoulet flatulence from your computer’s speaker.
In Part Two, we’ll tackle the middle children (if you will), this more dulcet crop providing the opportunity to reach for a tissue and dab at our bleeding eardrums.
And then, inevitably, Part Three, an embarrassment of aural riches sure to leave readers questioning how they—for one second even—thought Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone” represented the summit of movie music.
Before digging in, let’s check off the list the one outlier that won’t be considered in our ranking:
Dr. No (1962, dir: Terence Young)
The first Bond outing didn’t include a song over the opening credits written specifically for the film. Or an original song performed anywhere in the film. But you knew that, right? Instead, we’re treated to the very first appearance of what’s known as the “James Bond Theme,” a jaunty little guitar-driven earworm written by Monty Norman and arranged by John Barry & Orchestra.
No doubt you’re also aware of the controversy surrounding this universally recognized tune. For years, Barry insisted it was he who wrote the theme, a disagreement that eventually made its way to Her Majesty’s Courts. In the end, the Crown sided with Norman.
Despite the lost royalties, one could argue that Barry had the last laugh, in subsequent years the OBE taking home four best-original-score Oscars for Born Free (1966), Lion in the Winter (1968), Out of Africa (1985) and Dances with Wolves (1990), not to mention the fact that he composed the music for 11 other Bond films.
Regarding the title sequence clip below, I should warn any readers vulnerable to seizures, vertigo or fits of any kind to exercise extreme caution—a goodly portion consists of blinking, bouncing balls. I would also note that, for those sensitive to fully clothed go-go dancers in silhouette, you might consider turning off the sequence around the 1:33 mark. And finally, for those easily traumatized by the “Three Blind Mice” nursery rhyme, especially when performed in calypso, you might want to drop off around 2:17. For the rest of you, a six-foot hit off a three-foot bong (that’s two hits for the uninitiated) might be in order to fully appreciate this swinging 60s weird-fest.
Now, to the rankings…
#24 Never Say Never Again (1983, dir. Irvin Kershner)
Song title: “Never Say Never Again”
Performed by: Lani Hall
Music: Michel Legrand
Lyrics: Alan and Marilyn Bergman
Like those frozen vegetable medleys your parents forced you to eat back in the day, this Bond tune has a bit of everything—disco-era string accompaniment, porny bass diddling, screeching electric guitars, flaccid lyrics (You walk in a room/A woman can feel the heat)—all of it gag-inducing.
Of course, this film isn’t official Bond canon, so an argument could be made that its inclusion on this list is unnecessary. Then again, it’s very hard for the CFS to pass up the opportunity to be snarky.
For those interested in the film’s controversial backstory—that it even exists in the first place—apparently the co-author (with Ian Fleming) of the Bond book, Thunderball, which already had been adapted for the screen back in 1965, still retained rights to the story. Thus, despite protestations (and legal challenges) from the producing team of the official Bond series, this gentleman decided to update the story into a screenplay that became Never Say Never Again. Adding insult to injury, he then invited Sean Connery to glue on a toupee and play one last time the role that made him famous. Meanwhile, the same year (1983), the aforementioned producing team of the official Bond series released Octopussy, starring Roger Moore in his sixth outing.
So which Bond, the rough-and-ready Scot or the fey Englishman, claimed box-office bragging rights? According to our friends at Wikipedia, Never Say Never Again grossed $160M against a $36M budget, whilst Octopussy took in $187.5M against $27.5M. Close. But still…advantage the Bond who, in later films, wore his trousers to his nipples.
#23 Die Another Day (2002, dir: Lee Tamahori)
Song title: “Die Another Day”
Performed by: Madonna
Music: David Arnold
Lyrics: Mirwais Ahmadzai & Madonna
Like a 60-year-old man attempting to squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans, Madonna’s use of the Auto-Tune software to make herself sound like a chanteuse du jour is silly. There’s a point in one’s life when one has to admit that one is no longer hip. Embrace it. Fine wine and all that.
Considering how well Ms. Ciccone acquitted herself in Alan Parker’s 1996 film adaptation of Evita, personally I would’ve loved something in a more classic Bond song vein, a lush tune invoking the memory of John Barry, Shirley Bassey, Carly Simon, et al. Alas, all we get are blips, bleeps and bloops of electronic noise very likely to send the neighborhood canine population into paroxysms of whimper-howls.
#22 The Living Daylights (1987, dir: John Glen)
Song title: “The Living Daylights”
Performed by: A-ha
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Paul Waaktaar-Savoy
Fresh off their international superhit, “Take on Me,” the boys from A-ha were charged with kicking the Timothy-Dalton-as-a-meaner-leaner-more-Connery-version-of-Bond era off with a bang. Unfortunately, the only bang forthcoming was that of my forehead slamming into the hood of my car in the Golf Mill theater parking lot as I tried in vain to beat the memory of what I’d just heard from my brain.
Like the infamous two-word review of Spinal Tap’s Shark Sandwich album (“Shit sandwich.”), I must lean on the immortal brevity of Chef Ramsey when I say, “Bin it!”
#21 The Man with the Golden Gun (1974, dir: Guy Hamilton)
Song title: “The Man with the Golden Gun”
Performed by: Lulu
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Don Black
Sung by Scottish pop star, Lulu(?), this Bond song starts undeniably strong in the double entendre department, the lyric evoking a late-night commercial for a sperm bank (He has a powerful weapon/He charges a million a shot), and only gets more satisfying as the track progresses (His eye may be on you or me/Who will he bang?).
According to legend, Alice Cooper also wrote a theme song for the film but, alas, the producers chose the Don Black/Lulu composition. As we’ll demonstrate when we finally reach #1, bad call.
Relevant aside: This song easily could have fallen (risen?) to #22 or 23. However, the complex algorithms I use to help me choose have added bonus points for the fact that the film features a villain with a supernumerary nipple, a condition shared by a dear friend from college. Also mitigating: those ranging electric guitars heard in the opening.
#20 Octopussy (1983, dir: John Glen)
Song title: “All Time High”
Performed by: Rita Coolidge
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Tim Rice
Those music snobs who scoff at Tim Rice’s bonafides, this despite the man penning such Broadway megahits as Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita, look no further than “All Time High.” For who but a genius could reach so deep into his word-well to create a lyric like, “I don’t want to waste a waking moment; I don’t want to sleep/I’m in so strong and so deep, and so are you“?
Also, let’s not forget that, not only did Rice’s tune distract us for three glorious minutes from considering the strangely absurd and overtly perverted title of the film, it proceeded to embed itself into the early 80s popular culture—a tough nut to crack—spending a full month at Number One on the U.S. Adult Contemporary chart and peaking at a very respectable number 36 on the Billboard Hot 100. (Just below Michael Sembello’s “Maniac” and above “All This Love” by Debarge.)
Like nougat, this sax-heavy tune is soft, tasty and a bit addictive. Not unlike something your parents might’ve had playing on their bedside AM/FM/clock radio while procreating. (Barf)
#19 Spectre (2015, dir: Sam Mendes)
Song title: “Writing’s On the Wall”
Performed by: Sam Smith
Music: Thomas Newman
Lyrics: Sam Smith & Jimmy Napes
Like the film, which I initially enjoyed, I’ve had a change of heart regarding its theme song. Could it be that, after the triumph of Skyfall, I wanted to like both too much? Who knows. But I’ll tell you this: time and repeated viewings have done no favors to either. The film absolutely falls apart once Bond get to Blofeld’s desert compound. As for the song, despite having a lush, string-heavy Bondian accompaniment, there’s just something about Sam Smith’s castrato voice that makes me want to lay my head under a hydraulic press and hit the “flatten” button. Or, short of that, buy the guy some looser-fitting underwear. Also, the pre-chorus (If I risk it all/Could you break my fall?) kinda comes from out of nowhere and almost sounds like it’s been cribbed from another song. It simply doesn’t mesh with what came before or what comes after.
Of course, the real, real reason I’ve changed my tune on this tune will be revealed to those who journey with me all the way to #1.
#18 Casino Royale (2006, dir: Martin Campbell)
Song title: “You Know My Name”
Performed by: Chris Cornell
Music: David Arnold
Lyrics: Chris Cornell & David Arnold
While this may sound like sacrilege to some (Goldfinger! Connery!), I think Casino Royale is far and away the finest entry in the James Bond canon. And, doubling down, I think Daniel Craig is the best Bond. Everything in this film works, everyone involved is on top of his/her game. I could watch that brilliantly staged, photographed and edited parkour scene once a week for the rest of my life and never get bored. That said…
I think the title song stinks. Yeah, I’ll give it a little credit for introducing a motif we’ll hear throughout the film, one that works fine in an orchestral setting. As part of a song, though? Shrug. Not that Cornell (of the band Soundgarden) and Arnold didn’t give it the old college try—they did and then some. But the end result, to these ears, is simply flat, a snooze fest.