You ever found yourself surveying the accumulation of detritus that is your abode, thinking: Christ, what a shit-show? And pledging to yourself that, come the weekend, all that bric-a-brac, all those bits and bobs, all that knick-knackery, will be donated to the Salvation Army so…help…you…God!

Sure you have. Know what else? I’m guessing you didn’t follow through. Because your weekends are precious and short and, goddammit, you’d rather just sit on the couch reading People magazine, taking the occasional fitful nap. Or, for those of the younger generation, stare glassy eyed at your phone, a thin strand of drool hanging from your bottom lip, sleep made impossible because of all that melatonin-robbing blue light.

But here’s the thing—I’m not here to disparage your hoarder tendencies or chronic laziness. That’s for your mother. Rather, I’m here to point out that all of these pathetic habits of yours may one day save your life. That’s right; I did indeed just say, “Save your life.”

Know how I know?

Because, on no less than three occasions, simple household items did that very thing for one Jason Bourne (née David Webb), he of lost memory and muscle-memory ass kickery.

How about we take a look at each of these fraught moments, with an emphasis on the objects Bourne turned from cake-baking mundanity to stab-you-through-the-heart lethal at the drop of a Glock 19mm.

The Bourne Identity (2002, Dir. Doug Liman)

What Brought Us to This Moment?
Jason, the amnesiac super-soldier, has discovered and raided a safety deposit box in Zürich with an account number he found sewn into his hip. Unbeknownst to him, his presence at the bank has alerted those in the CIA behind “Operation Treadstone,” a black-ops program that trains  and handles assassins. Rather than incorporate Bourne back into the fold, the Treadstone cognoscenti decide it’s easier to just kill him. Thus three other assassins are activated to “tie off” our confused hero.

Jason, with help from Maria, a young woman he meets at the U.S. Embassy in Zurich, makes for Paris to get to the bottom of his identity. While touring his apartment, which he doesn’t remember living in, one of the three assassins smashes through the window spraying gunfire. The two soon engage in hand-to-hand combat. The assassin pulls a knife. Jason responds by grabbing from amongst the clutter on his desk a…

Household Item of Choice?
Bic Cristal, the most famous of all cheap disposables, which, according to our Wikipedia friends was “mass-produced and sold by Société Bic of Clichy, Hauts-de-Seine, France, [since] December 1950 and is the best-selling pen in the world—the 100 billionth was sold in September 2006.”

Punishment Meted?
Uncapping the Bic, Bourne deftly parries some blows and then punctures his assailant’s arm with the pen’s brass tip before landing a punch that sends his opponent reeling. The two resume their fight, with Bourne eventually running a good 1/3 of the Bic’s plastic barrel into the back of the assassin’s hand, a aichmophobic’s worst nightmare. The assassin pulls out the pen and then, co-opting the bloody weapon, takes one more run at Bourne, who proceeds to break the guy’s arm and leg. Bourne tries to question the man—”Who!” (bangs his head on hardwood floor) “Are!” (bangs his head on hardwood floor) “You!” (bangs his head on hardwood floor)—only to watch the poor slob get up and fling himself out the window to his death. (Being an assassin is not for everyone.)

 

The Bourne Supremacy (2004, Dir. Paul Greengrass)

What Brought Us to This Moment?
Two years after the events of the first film, Bourne, who only wants to be left alone goddammit, is framed for an assassination he didn’t commit. Worse, his girl Maria has been killed by a bullet meant for our (anti) hero. Bourne travels to Munich to question an ex-co-worker, the only other Treadstone assassin still alive, to see who might be behind all the mischief. A misunderstanding (the guy thought Bourne had come to kill him) leads to a brutal fight that no doubt boosted the Levolor blind company’s stock price by at least 5%. Without a weapon and threatened by a large knife, Bourne glances at the kitchen table and grabs a…

Household Item of Choice?
Magazine best described as “Teutonic” (heavy paper stock, glossy cover, quality binding), which he proceeds to roll into a rigid tube.

Punishment Meted?
The two square off. Bourne strikes with the speed of cottonmouth, using the magazine to whap the other guy across the face. More face-whaps follow, as does a blow with the business end of the magazine to the solar plexus. All of which gives Bourne the upper hand, which he eventually uses to strangle his opponent with a lamp cord. (Edit: as pointed out by the CFS’s son, the same magazine that subdued his opponent is later used by Bourne to blow up the house. He simply turns on the gas and shoves the magazine in the toaster—instant time bomb!

 

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007, Dir. Paul Greengrass)

What Brought Us to This Moment?
Bourne, after learning his real name (David Webb) at the end of the last film, is now determined to get to the bottom of his elusive identity. A series of articles on CIA black ops in The Guardian piques his interest and he sets up a meeting with the author at London’s Waterloo Station. Despite Bourne’s best efforts, the newspaperman is assassinated. From the decedent’s notes, he learns of a CIA station chief, Daniels, who may be able to fill in the blanks. Bourne tracks the CIA man to his office in Madrid but only finds Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles), a sympathetic ex-Treadstone handler who he’s encountered in the past. The two track Daniels to Tangiers but, alas, he’s assassinated on CIA orders before they can question him. Immediately after, Daniels’ assassin, Desh, is sent to kill Parsons. Bourne races through the city’s crowded streets, markets, rooftops and, finally, a large window, to aid Parsons. The two killers square off, with Desh gaining the upper hand via physics-defying backflips and a candlestick. Bourne gets thrown into a coffee table. Luckily, the coffee table holds a…

Household Item of Choice?
Coffee-table picture book.

Punishment Meted?
Bourne wastes no time, using the hardcover to parry candlestick blows until he’s able to, all with the book: 1) smash Desh’s foot (Ahhhh!), 2) whap him across the face (Ooof!), 3) spear him in the chest (Blam!), 4) press it against his windpipe (Gag!). Sadly, none of this violence has Desh down for the count. However, Bourne is able to end things soon after in the powder room with a hand towel and, later, his bare hands.

So remember: next time you’re criticized for being a big, fat slob, make sure you deflect with the “Bourne” defense. And if that doesn’t put an end to the snark, consider stabbing the person in the eyeball with something laying around the kitchen, like a fork, or, better, a kebab skewer.