Revisiting this virtuosic scene recently, it occurred to me that someone working for the American Council of the Blind (ACB) had to describe the action, presumably with a straight face, for its Audio Description Project, which, as I’m sure you know, provides the visually impaired with “high-quality audio description in television, movies, performing arts…and other venues where the presentation of visual media is critical to the understanding and appreciation of the content.”

Here is my attempt. May God have mercy on my soul.

Note #1: Imagine the following plays out in a continuous seven-minute take.
Note #2: Read this to yourself in a pleasant voice not unlike Siri.
Note #3: Pretend you can’t see, only hear.

Lorraine, blonde and dressed in a dark trench coat, enters an apartment building with her injured charge (codename: Spyglass), who bleeds from a gunshot wound. She sits him on the bottom of a dreary staircase and scans the area for signs of pursuers.

Hearing rustling and whispers from above, she enters an elevator, pushes UP and, as she rises, checks her pistol.

As the doors open, Lorraine is greeted by a slim-looking thug wearing a tan corduroy suit over what appears to be a bad Christmas sweater. In addition to a huge mass of curly hair, the thug sports mutton chops. Lorraine fires, causing the thug to retreat down a flight of stairs accompanied by a second thug.

Thug #1 and #2 slowly climb back up the stairs, pistols drawn. Lorraine, hidden from view around the corner, silently waits.

Lorraine shoots Thug #1 in the belly of his Christmas sweater as he reaches the landing, sending a splatter of blood onto the wall. She then elbows him in the face.

Thug #2 enters the fray. Heavier-set than his compatriot, much less hirsute and sporting a leather jacket, he’s quickly immobilized by Lorraine’s boot heel to a knee.

Thug #1 and Lorraine continue their fisticuffs until Lorraine finally flips him over her back and onto the floor.

Thug #2 hits Lorraine over the head with a duffle bag filled with gun parts.

Lorraine kicks Thug #2 down a flight of stairs.

Thug #1 tackles Lorraine and they both tumble down the stairs previously tumbled down by Thug #2.

Lorraine is thrown down yet another flight by Thug #1. Despite this, it’s obvious he’s succumbing to his gunshot wound.

The two exchange additional blows to the head, chest and groinal areas until Lorraine sweeps Thug #1’s legs, causing him to drop to the floor like a duffel bag filled with gun parts.

Thug #2 again throws the the gun-part duffel at Lorraine’s head, which she dodges.

Thug #2 then pulls a knife and the two square off on the landing.

Lorraine disarms the man and stabs him multiple times in the back and chest.

As the two continue to grapple, Thug #1 reappears and tackles Lorraine. Before she can retaliate, he falls backwards down the stair, dead.

Thug #2 removes the knife from his chest and brandishes its bloody blade at Lorraine.

Once again she gains control of the weapon. She then stabs him in the throat before tossing him down the stairs where he lays dead next to his similarly deceased compatriot.

Anticipating more thugs, Lorraine attempts to assemble a gun from the duffel full of parts.

She gives up, instead settling on a heavy rifle barrel, which she carries to the bottom of the stairwell to meet the heavily bleeding Spyglass.

Two more thugs approach from down a hallway. Lorraine clobbers Thug #3 in the head, chest and groinal areas with the rifle barrel.

She then secures the gun of Thug #4 and, after some tussling, shoots him in the face, sending a splatter of blood onto the floor. She similarly dispatches Thug #3 before gathering Spyglass and fleeing deeper into the apartment complex.

Confronted by two more gun-toting thugs, Lorraine guides Spyglass into a deserted apartment. Gunshot quickly splinter the front door.

Lorraine positions herself beside the door and shoots Thug #5 through the eyeball, splattering blood on the white wall.

Thug #6 enters the apartment, repeatedly firing his pistol. He is the same man Lorraine earlier stabbed in the cheek with a car key. He is by far the most muscular and menacing of the thugs and, like Lorraine, has bleach-blonde hair.

Hiding behind a wall, Lorraine realizes she is out of ammo and prepares to use the pistol as brass knuckles.

Lorraine and Thug #6 begin to fight, with Lorraine repeatedly bludgeoning him in the face and throat with her empty gun.

Thug #6 throws her against a wall and, as she’s on the ground, turns to grab his gun from the floor but is struck over the head by Spyglass with a bottle.

Brushing Spyglass aside, Thug #6 woozily picks up his gun and attempts to drive home a clip of ammo. Before he can, Lorraine butts him into a wall and breaks a lamp over his head.

The two exchange blows and toss each other into and onto at least 78% of the furniture and walls of the apartment.

Thug #6 gets the upper hand when he head-butts Lorraine and tosses her onto a coffee table, which shatters.

Momentarily separated, the two search for something to use as a weapon, Lorraine opting for a two-burner steel hot plate, Thug #6 settling on a wooden leg from a broken chair.

As Thug #6 moves in with his truncheon, Lorraine smashes the hot plate into his knee, his face and finally the top of his head. Both fall to the ground, bloody and exhausted.

Lorraine spies a wine corkscrew on the floor and grabs it. The two attempt to stand and, after a wobbly moment, face off once more.

Lorraine plunges the corkscrew into Thug #6’s chest but he gains the upper hand and puts her into a chokehold.

Lorraine frees herself by stabbing Thug #6 in the face, eyes and throat with the business end of the corkscrew.

Thug #6 dies.

 

Editor Note: Atomic Blonde (2017) is available for rental on most streaming platforms and should be mandatory viewing for all movie lovers.