When you think of a perfect film what comes to mind?

Citizen Kane, perhaps? Hitchcock’s Vertigo? The Godfather? The Rules of the Game? Chinatown? Some other auteur-helmed flick listed in Sight & Sound magazine’s once-a-decade “Greatest Films of All Time” list?

This may come as a shock to you (no small feat considering your shock threshold is rumored to be very high) but, despite the artistry contained in the aforementioned films, they simply pale in comparison to the scope, imagination and sheer audacity that is, in this blogger’s considered opinion, the finest 90 minutes recorded on celluloid, director Robert Clouse’s 1985 magnum opus…

Without getting too deep into plot specifics, here’s a quick synopsis of the film, presented in bullets for easier digestion:

• Jonathan Cabot (real-life Olympian/budding thespian/now deceased Kurt Thomas), he of deadly martial arts skills meted out with gymnastic flair (known as…duh…gymkata), is approached by a super-secret intelligent agency to infiltrate the tiny mountain nation of Parmistan to compete in what’s called “The Game.”

• What is “The Game” you ask? Think of it like the TBS’s hit show Wipeout but without the huge inflatable balls. Also, as opposed to Jon Cena cracking wise every time a contestant gets whacked in the scrotum by some obstacle, “The Game” features dozens of Parmesan warriors trying to kill the competition. Good news, though: if one survives “The Game” one is granted any wish one can dream up.
• Top 2 Reasons for Cabot accepting mission:
  1. He’ll use his wish (assuming he wins) to install a satellite monitoring station in Gruyère to prevent nuclear holocaust
  2. He’ll try to rescue his long-lost father who years earlier was tasked with a similar mission and never returned

• Top 2 Antagonists:
  1. Commander Zamir—consigliere of the reigning Stilton king
  2. Thorg—barbarous fellow “The Game” competitor
• Top 2 Potential Love Interests:
  1. Princess Rubali—plucky, attractive, headstrong, A+ fighting skills, daughter of reigning Mild Cheddar king
  2. Jon’s mullet—pert, shiny, terrific-smelling, sexy AF

What does this all add up to? Nothing less than everything. Every goddamn thing we go to the movies for. Except maybe comedy ’cause this is a very serious film.

You want action? Just think how good Spielberg could’ve made those dumb archeologist movies had he the blocking and staging talents of Gymkata director Clouse…

You want violence? Gymkata makes The Godfather look like a seven-year-old girl’s birthday party at a petting zoo. Check this out…

You want terror? Even the most depraved moments of The Exorcist have nothing on this scene in which Cabot has to fight his way through a village of the unhinged…

You want romance (with a psycholocail twist)? Watch the first 15 seconds of this clip. Trust me when I say that Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak would blush at the chemistry between Kurt Thomas and the radiant (and deadly) Tetchie Agbayani…

You want sweat/tears? I don’t know about you, but this scene reminds me of that month I spent flailing around a bastardized version of the PX-90 Body Shredder regime…

Final thought: If Sight and Sound wants to be taken seriously in 2022 (the next iteration of their movie list) they could save themselves a lot of time and trouble culling their list down to one:

Gymkata