It’s been months since I’ve posted. No doubt this has been emotionally draining for my count-on-one-hand group of regulars.

The reason? I’ve come into a significant inheritance. I know…lucky bastard, right?

Still, for all the blessings the new wealth will bring, it also comes with headaches—family trusts, tax shelters, IRS filings, tranches, shell corporations, riverboat casino investment in the Ozarks to abet money laundering, etc.

No doubt you’re (gauchely) wondering how this windfall landed in yours truly’s lap. Here’s a hint in the form of a geography quiz…

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me take you back to that fateful day, less than a week ago, the day in which I received the following email (reproduced in its entirety for posterity):

My dear Friend and Beloved,

With warm hearts and joy in the Lord Jesus, I write this mail to you. I am Ms Renate Settnik, a German Citizen, but living in Burkina Faso. I am a Widow. I am 67 years old, without any child.

I am a devoted Christian and have the fear of God. I am a philanthropist and a care-giver. I inherited some money and estate from my late husband who was a Crude Oil dealer before he was killed during the Burkina Faso Political unrest that happened six years ago in August 2016.

Due to his death, that resulted me to too much stress and tension, thereby causing me to contract Paralysis.

What worries me is that I am down with FULL-BODY PARALYSIS. I cannot walk, nor stand. I have been bedridden for Three years now.

Since I know that I have very limited time to stay on earth before I die according to my Doctors, I have been helping and contributing some amounts of money to Orphanage Homes and to Charity Organizations, as well as Foundations.

With the help of the Bishop of the Catholic church where I worship, I have given donations to over 10 Charity Organizations and Foundations, in Africa,Asia, South America, etc.

From findings, your Charity Foundation was listed among the remaining to be given donations, I will be giving you the token sum of 25,000,000.00.Euro

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Catholic Bishop where you will send him your bank details and other requirements he may need from you .I want you and the church to always pray for me.

Get back to me if you are interested and ready to handle this transaction for charity work.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Best regards,

Mrs.Renate Magdalena Settnik

Upon my first read-through I have to admit that a small part of me (<10%) called bullshit on Mrs. Settnik and her life-changing offer. What in heaven’s name was this wealthy German widow doing in Burkina Faso, a notoriously unstable country run by something called the Patriotic Movement for Safeguard and Restoration (MPSR), a group who may or may not have been responsible for the tragic death of her crude-oil-dealing husband?

What’s more, why choose me?

Upon further reflection, though, I was able to toss aside my doubts as so much Kleenex I’d been using to dry my tears after subsequent reads.

Because it suddenly occurred to me that the internet has worldwide reach. Which includes even “shithole” countries like Burkina Faso. Which means Mrs. Settnik must be a fan of the Conflicted Film Snob. Which means my scribblings have helped her overcome the kind of personal tragedy (murdered spouse, barren womb, fear of God) and health setbacks (stress/tension, full-body paralysis, aging) that one only encounters in fiction. Or a Hallmark Channel production.

I’d made a difference in this woman’s life. And now she (rightly) was paying it forward.

So it was with great humility that I sent her my home address, cell phone, birthday, social security number and my Citibank routing and account information.

Once the money is wired, hopefully I can emulate the grace and philanthropy that marked Mrs. Settnik’s existence in war-torn Burkina Faso. Pay it forward to my fellow Chicagoans. Which I plan to start as soon as I get some golf rounds in at Augusta National, lower the handicap a bit.

As with all radical life changes, inheriting $28,324,275.00 dictates new priorities. Therefore, it’s with a heavy heart that I bid adieu to writing this blog. Thank you for reading. I can only hope that I’ve given you some thoughtful insights on Charlie Sheen’s early period and TV movies starring Robert Reed.

As Sister Patricia Whitman said in The Darjeeling Limited, “May God Bless You and Keep You with Mary’s Benevolent Guidance in the Light of Christ’s Enduring Grace.”

CFS