It’s been over two years since one of our greatest thespians, Victoria Leigh Blum, known to the world as Tanya Roberts, was taken from us not once, but twice, the first instance by way of a premature announcement by her itchy-trigger-fingered publicist and then, just days later, the definitive word from Cedars-Sinai Hospital: our angel spread her wings for heaven at the tender age of 71.

I’ve wanted to write about the late Ms. Roberts for some time now but the wound remained too fresh, the pain too great. However, as with all grief, time began to salve the wound until once again I could make eye contact with the blu-ray case of the 1985 James Bond extravaganza, A View to a Kill, which featured perhaps her finest performance as California state geologist Stacey Sutton.

Of course, some of this blog’s 12-15 total readers/subscribers may disagree with the above assertion, perhaps feeling that Roberts reached greater heights as Kiri in Beastmaster (1982) or Sheena in Sheena: Queen of the Jungle (1984) or even Angelica in the 1983 Italian adventure film Storia d’armi e d’amori (Translation: Love and Armour).

Listen, I’m not here to argue with you, I’m here to celebrate Ms. Roberts contributions to the cinematic arts. That said, if we’re both willing to remove subjectivity from the argument and allow the Conflicted Film Snob to run certain criteria through his proprietary Thespi-o-Matic Greatness Objectivity Index®, it should be possible to determine her greatest role. Let’s begin…

Storia d’armi e d’amori (1983, dir. Giacomo Battiato)

Brief Synopsis—In the time of the Crusades, Angelica (Roberts), the daughter of a Moorish king, is set upon by heathens who tear at her clothes. She is rescued in due course by a Christian knight, Bradamante, who takes Angelica prisoner.

The two soon run into other knights, which leads to a knightly showdown in which it’s revealed that Bradamante is a) a woman and b) can kick all their asses.

While looking for his captured sister, Angelica’s brother, Ruggero, is taken prisoner by the knights. Bradamante soon falls in love with him. What’s moor (oof!), the knight tasked with duelling with Ruggero, a guy named Rolando, falls in love with Angelica.

Against this backdrop of Moorish-Christian sexual tension, forbidden love and too many men’s names beginning with the letter “R,” we are treated to wizards, sword battles and a happy ending that will test even the strongest man’s tear-duct control.

Thespi-o-Matic Greatness Objectivity Index®

• Rides Horse Scored to Euro-Synth/Rides Horse Painted to Look Like a Zebra—8/10 (While there’s nary a zebra to be seen, we are treated to about a quarter of the film’s 100-minute running time watching Roberts trot about Italy on her trusty steed. Bonus point awarded for the following fun fact unearthed courtesy IMDB: “UK cinema and video versions were cut by 21 seconds by the British Board of Film Classification to remove cruel horse-falls.)

 

• Whilst Screaming a Character’s Name and/or Just Talking in General, Makes Noises Not Unlike My Dog Attacking His Squeaky Toy—10/10 (Roberts’ high-pitched vocal talents are on full glass-shattering display. Legendary.)

• Plays Character Whose Education/Title Belies Her Overall Appearance/Way She Comports Herself—1/10 (Unfortunately for the audience, Roberts looks, acts and dresses the part of a Moorish princess.)

• Wears an Outfit Inappropriate for the Occassion and/or in Tatters to Allow for Inappropriate Audience Voyeurism—10/10 (From the moment the heathens attempt their assault, it’s apparent Director Battiato plans to lean hard into torn dresses that showcase Roberts’ thighs, legs and cleavage.)

• Finds Herself Not Only in Grave Danger, but at a Great Height—5/10 (Definitely the former, not so much the latter.)

Beastmaster (1982, dir. Don Coscarelli)

Brief Synopsis—It is prognosticated that the evil high priest Maax will be killed by the unborn child of King Zed. Not down with that outcome, Maax has said child kidnapped fresh from the birth canal. However, before he can kill the child, the baby is rescued by a kindly villager who names the boy Dar and raises him not only to be a good hunter and warrior but also in telepathic communion with beasts of prey and burden.

Upon seeing his village destroyed by Maax’ henchmen, a grieving Dar, in short order, finds himself stuck in quicksand only to be rescued by a pair of comedic-relief ferrets (Kodo and Podo), a rescue he quickly pays forward by doing the same for a “panther” (actually a tiger dyed black) being harassed by poachers. Now a happy family, the quartet soon stumble upon the beautiful Kiri (Roberts) bathing topless with another slave-nymph at a secluded water hole.

Dar, being a parentless and therefore unacquainted with the bad look inherent to voyeurism and misogyny, a) orders Kodo/Podo to steal Kiri’s bra so she’s forced to flash boob even after her swim; b) commands Ruh (the aforementioned “panther”) to threaten her so he—Dar—can pretend to come to the rescue and then c) kisses her without consent. A true early-80s man!

Soon a team despite the blatant sexual harassment, Dar and Kiri, along with their menagerie of fauna and the guy who played the grown-up Kunta Kinte in the miniseries Roots, barrel headlong into a violent confrontation with a certain evil high priest.

Thespi-o-Matic Greatness Objectivity Index®

• Rides Horse Scored to Euro-Synth/Rides Horse Painted to Look Like a Zebra—3/10 (Sadly, in this film the major mode of transport is limited to walking. However, two bonus points awarded for the “panther” paint job being so inconsistent throughout the movie that in certain scenes one easily can see the tiger’s facial stripes emerging.)

• Whilst Screaming a Character’s Name and/or Just Talking in General, Makes Noises Not Unlike My Dog Attacking His Squeaky Toy—10/10 (Director Coscarelli, veteran of such classics as Phantasm, Phantasm II, Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead, Phantasm IV: Oblivion and Phantasm: Ravager is enough of a seasoned pro to know a good thing when he hears it.)

• Plays Character Whose Education/Title Belies Her Overall Appearance/Way She Comports Herself—1/10 (Unfortunately for the audience, Roberts looks, acts and dresses the part of a slave girl.)

• Wears an Outfit Inappropriate for the Occassion and/or in Tatters to Allow for Inappropriate Audience Voyeurism—10/10 (Note my water hole commentary in synopsis. And the film still of the two lovers on a barge. ‘Nuff said.)

• Finds Herself Not Only in Grave Danger, but at a Great Height—10/10 (In a goosebump-inducing scene of verticality, Dar and Kiri escape from an evil lair via a rope down the side of a large Nevada hill.)

 

Coming Soon in Part Two…

Sheena: Queen of the Jungle and A View to a Kill!

And, of course, the definitive Thespi-o-Matic Greatness Objectivity Index® vote for Roberts’ greatest performance/appearance!