There’s little doubt my six or so loyal readers gobbled up Part One at a single sitting and, barely satiated, started pounding silverware on the table demanding more destruction porn. Let me oblige posthaste. As you’ll recall, we critiqued Hollywood’s take on nuclear explosions in six films: Asteroid City, The Dark Knight Rises, The Day After, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Failsafe and Fat Man and Little Boy. Let’s now light the fuse on our next five!

Godzilla (2014, Director: Gareth Edwards)

Super Quick Synopsis®—Early in the nuclear age (not to mention the movie), the US Army prepares to nuke Godzilla, a rather large threat to national security, as he frolics in the ocean off a tropical atoll.

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (7/10)—Director Edwards and team do a good job tightening the screws—this in the opening credits no less—by means of an urgent score, the clever use of fake newspaper headlines/redacted government documents/compelling, if retouched, B/W archival footage, and, finally, a nuclear weapon set atop a platform on a beach with you-know-how rising the in the background.

 

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (7/10)—Not bad. As conjured by the visual effects wizards at Weta, the money shot isn’t perfect but does a nice job showing how the mushroom cap starts its life aflame before giving way to the dust and steam of the landscape it’s just vaporized. A point subtracted for the obviously digital blast wave that eventually hits the beach.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (0/10)—Nada. We don’t even see what it does to the big guy, although judging from the rest of the movie, not a whole lot.

• Shockwave Effect w/Emphasis on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (1/10)—A single point awarded for the aforementioned not-so-good-looking shock wave hitting the beach.

 

 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008, Director: Steven Spielberg)

Super Quick Synopsis®—In 1957, Indiana Jones (a 64-year-old Harrison Ford) has been kidnapped by Cold War Russkies and taken to Area 51 to help find an artifact, possibly of alien origin. With the baddies distracted, Indy escapes their clutches, ending up (after much punching, kicking and whipping) in the desert somewhere outside the base. Desperate for water, he stumbles upon an idyllic 50s town only to discover the residents are all mannequins. An alarm sounds. followed by a PA announcement that all personnel should be clear and protect their eyes. Yep, it’s a nuclear bomb test site.

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (8/10)—We’ve already been through the ringer in the first 10 minutes of relic hunting/escape action, but the tension only rises (as does the comedy) as Indy, the siren and countdown blaring in his ear, rummages through a perfect little house full of fake people/animals and a TV playing the Howdy Doody Hour. Where to hide? Then, Indy spots an appliance, a bit of plotting often compared to the infamous shark-jumping incident in Happy Days.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (10/10)—Finally someone gets it right! In an absolutely superb shot, Indy trudges up a little hill to find the mushroom cloud ascending into the sky, its cap dimming from roiling fire to dust and debris in seamless motion. But this isn’t just a matter of perfect visual effects and lighting (notice the way the environment turns an eerie orangish-yellow as the sun tries to push through the thickening dust cloud). It’s also the way the shot is blocked: Indy in the foreground to provide scale, the camera always below him, the two looking in awe at the sky.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (5/10)—A few evil Russkies fleeing the bomb in a car get wiped off the face of the earth but it’s relatively mild.

• Shockwave Effect w/Emphasis on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (10/10)—We see the bomb’s flash and instantly the mannequins begin to catch fire and melt: a Good Humor man, kids eating ice cream, a dog, mom walking the sidewalk, dad washing the car. And then the shockwave hits, quickly decimating everything in its path: dummy families watching TV on the couch, homes, neighborhoods, the entire fake town. Oh, and that car containing the fleeing Russkies. Good, funny stuff!

 

Matinee (1993, Director: Joe Dante)

Super Quick Synopsis®—During 1962’s Cuban Missile Crisis, the resident of Key West, FL, try not to lose their collective minds faced with the fact that a) Cuba is only 90 miles away and b) Key West has an active military base, both of which make the city a likely target for the Russkies. In rolls schlock movie producer Lawrence Woolsey to premiere his newest atomic-power-gone-awry film, Mant! (Tagine: Half man, half ant!), which he figures will play well amid all the nuclear tension. And while the plot machinations are too complicated to go into here, the key is that Woolsey’s plan for a scare at the end of the picture involving (fictitious) nuclear Armageddon is revealed early to prevent an accident in the audience. Anyway, just find a way to see the movie, it’s charming.

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (6/10)—Lots going on in the frenetic finale, all of it in good humor, but tense nonetheless.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (2/10)—I mean, it’s not supposed to look realistic.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (1/10)—Nothing; although one point awarded for a subplot involving two middle schoolers crushing on each other getting trapped in a bomb shelter.

• Shockwave Effect w/Emphasis on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (2/10)—Nada; although two points awarded for the collapse of the movie theater’s balcony, which, happily and thanks to Woolsey, results in no casualties.

 

Oppenheimer (2023, Director: Christopher Nolan)

Super Quick Synopsis®—After toiling for years and spending billions, Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy) and crew are finally ready to test the “gadget.”

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (8/10)—Thunderstorms, countdowns, sunscreen, untested technology, constant cigarette smoking—there’s lots of stuff to get the juices flowing leading up to the detonation. Note: two points subtracted for the fact that we, the audience, already know it’s gonna work.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (6/10)—This is a toughie. While I applaud Nolan’s quest to recreate the explosion by practical means, in the end it lacks scale. Basically, it looks like a fiery cloud cause by the detonation of many gasoline drums combined with some chemicals, which is exactly what it is. In closeup the explosion looks great, seeing all the detail in the fire is unique and beautiful. But pull back and it fizzles, a midget explosion. Dear Mr. Nolan, just because it involves computer graphics doesn’t mean it’s gonna suck. See Crystal Skull for proof.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (0/10)—None.

• Shockwave Effect w/Priority on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (2/10)—Nothing, but two points awarded for the awesome blast wave sound that comes after many moments of silence and causes you to jump out of your seat.

 

The Peacemaker (1997, Director: Mimi Leder)

Super Quick Synopsis®—Back in the days when the Bosnian conflict was all the chatter, ten nuclear warheads are loaded onto a train for decommissioning and dismantling. However, a rogue Russian General overtakes the train and steals nine bombs. The tenth he activates and sends hurtling along the tracks until it collides with a passenger train. Local residents emerge from their homes to investigate. Then…boom!

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (8/10)—What can one say? Nukes, a rogue general, a hijacking, clueless civilians, a train crash, a digital clock countdown—all in all, a pretty hairy situation.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (3/10)—Well, we get to see the initial flash and the spread of the deadly shock wave but before the mushroom cloud is revealed we cut to Nicole Kidman diving into a swimming pool to do laps. So zero points for the cloud but three points awarded for getting to see Ms. Kidman jump into a pool.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (6/10)—Two simple, innocent country folk get their bacon fried an instant before we cut to Ms. Kidman cannonballing into the pool.

• Shockwave Effect w/Priority on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (04/10)—We get some trees incinerating but then cut hard to Ms. Kidman bellyflopping into the pool.

 

That’s it. Part Two has now been subsumed into a conflagration!

Next up, the finale, in which we deconstruct Star Wars: Rogue One, The Sum of All Fears, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, True Lies and World War Z.

And then crown our champ!