With Part Two in the books and the Polar Vortex quickly retreating (not to mention my readers’ patience), let’s wrap this explosive competition. Reviewed in previous posts: Asteroid City, The Dark Knight Rises, The Day After, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Failsafe, Fat Man and Little Boy, Godzilla, Indiana Jones/Crystal Skull, Matinee, Oppenheimer and The Peacemaker. Which leaves five until we pick a winner. Buckle up.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016, Director: Gareth Edwards)

Super Quick Synopsis®—Imperial Weapons Developer Orson Krennic (Ben Mendelsohn), currently in charge of building the Death Star, chooses the holy city of Jedha for a test firing, a single reactor ignition, mind you, not a full planet destruction like Alderaan. “We need a statement, not a manifesto,” notes Grand Moff Tarkin (a shaky digital facsimile of the long-dead Peter Cushing). Coincidentally, our rebel heroes happen to be on the ground in Jedha, which is decidedly not the place to be at the moment. Bonus: The sharp-eyed reader will note that director Edwards already has a horse in this race with his take on Godzilla. Those with even sharper eyes know that Edwards apparently has a thing for nuclear bombs—three of his four films (Godzilla, Rogue One and The Creator) feature apocalyptic detonations.

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (7/10)—Much of the build up is played over the audio of a hologram message to our heroine from her father, which plays a little overdone to my jaded ears. Despite this, there are some wonderfully menacing visuals beyond the requisite guys-turning-blinking-dials-in-firing-control. First, we see the Death Star in motion just beyond Jedha’s atmosphere casting a shadow across the planet’s surface as it moves into position to fire. And then, the money shot before the actual money shot: the Death Star passing across the sun, creating a perfect eclipse.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (10/10)—The initial explosion is awe-inspiring, a monstrous flash of expanding fire, steam and ash. And then some terrifically realized shots of the expanding cloud both from the planet’s surface and from the POV of the orbiting Death Star, the latter including one where the debris seems to be rising so high in the atmosphere that the Death Star could reach out and touch it. Super-creative stuff IMHO.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (1/10)—We don’t see anything but a point awarded for the thought of all those souls just going about their Star Wars-y day in the city.

• Shockwave Effect w/Priority on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (10/10)—You can’t see it in the clip below because someone has done some editing to move things along. However, suffice to say that a good chunk of the planet’s surface shatters and creates something of a dirt and rock tidal wave that our heroes must negotiate by the skin of their teeth.

 

The Sum of All Fears (2001, Director: Phil Alden Robinson)

Super Quick Synopsis®—In 2002, a Neo-Nazi group has retrieved an A-bomb thought destroyed when an Israeli fighter jet was shot down in 1973’s Yom Kippur War. Their nefarious plan: smuggle the bomb into the US and detonate it at the Super Bowl in Baltimore, which they figure will cause the superpowers to go to war. CIA Analyst Jack Ryan (Ben Affleck, the third iteration of the character after Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford) is hot on the bomb’s trail and, with seconds to detonation, desperately tries to warn the President and his entourage, who are attending the game.

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (8/10)—Drums, blimps, crowd noise, cheerleaders, garbled phone calls, a frantic evacuation of the Commander In Chief. Plus a ticking bomb in a cigarette vending machine. Definitely hairy.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (7/10)—A thin little guy but not bad at all. I especially like how the clouds surrounding its cap evaporate from the heat.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (1/10)—None, but a point given for all those people in the stadium drinking $14 beers only to get vaporized. At least it was quick.

• Shockwave Effect w/Priority on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (6/10)—We get a good shot of the windows of a hospital blowing in. And a motorcade getting flipped. And a helicopter slammed to the ground.

 

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991, Director: James Cameron)

Super Quick Synopsis®—Sarah Conner (Linda Hamilton), hero of the first film, finds herself in a mental hospital at the beginning of the second chapter due to her violent attempts to convince the world that “Judgment Day” is but a few years away. Luckily, she’s freed by her son, John, the future leader of the human resistance against the AI machines, and the T-800 Terminator (Arnold), now re-programmed to assist Sarah and John rather than squish them like a bug as in the first movie. But as the trio make their way to Mexico to regroup, Sarah has a nightmare that changes her strategy…

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (2/10)—Not much here. She falls asleep and starts dreaming of children frolicking on an idyllic Los Angeles playground. She tries to warn them but they can’t hear her. And then…boom!

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (3/10)—The cloud isn’t much of the focus here, which is fine because it’s pretty weak.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (11/10)—Off the scale carnage as Sarah’s animatronic double catches fire and begins to melt. Screams litter the soundtrack. Other parents/kids on the playground suffer the same fate. And then their ashy copses are scattered into a million piece by the shock wave. Some great R-rated mayhem. (For those not in to immolation, perhaps avoid the video clip provided below.)

• Shockwave Effect w/Priority on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (9/10)—Cameron, a man who spares no expense, makes sure to do his audience right by vaporizing buildings, trees, highways, buses, cars…basically the entirety of Los Angeles.

True Lies (1994, Director: James Cameron)

Super Quick Synopsis®—Despite sporting a physique reminiscent of a Mr. Universe contestant, Arnold plays mild-mannered Harry Tasker, software saleman in Washington, DC, who—get this—is actually a lethal secret agent! Through various plot machinations I’m not going to go into, Harry ends up in the Florida Keys trying to stop a nuclear bomb from exploding. Complicating things: his wife, Helen (Jamie Lee Curtis), who has only just discovered her husband’s secret, is along for the ride.

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (3/10)—Well, there’s a cool car chase on Seven Mile Bridge involving trucks, limos, helicopters, a couple of Marine jet fighters and a pelican. But that’s not really connected with the bomb going off, as in there’s no one involved in the chase with a countdown clock or detonator. Rather, the bomb, which is situated on a secluded portion of the Keys, is more a demonstration of power by the baddies rather than something we need to worry about. Other than not looking at the flash when it detonates.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (4/10)—Shrug. We see it in the background. It’s fine. Early days of digital effects. The whole thing is played for laughs. A cool way to highlight a reconciling kiss.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (1/10)—Zippo. Although one point awarded for the creative kill shot involving Arnold, the main baddie and a Harrier jump jet that happens a bit later.

• Shockwave Effect w/Priority on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (0/10)—Nada

 

World War Z (2013, Director: Marc Forster)

Super Quick Synopsis®—Zombies are overrunning the world and a cure is needed posthaste. Enter Gerald “Gerry” Lane (Brad Pitt), a retired UN investigator forced to help find the origin of the virus causing the mayhem. I say forced because if he doesn’t “volunteer,” he and his family will be kicked off the US Navy ship they’re taking refuge on in the middle of the ocean far from the undead. After striking out in South Korea, Gerry heads by plane to Israel to follow up another lead. While en-route he and the pilot witness a nuke detonate far below.

• Tension-filled Lead Up to Armageddon (1/10)—I’ll allow a single point for the scene before the bomb, which is completely unrelated by generally tense.

• Mushroom Cloud Accuracy (9/10)—Cool POV from way above the blast. Good flash, expansion and overall shape. Well done.

• Disturbing Content Involving Human Incineration (0/10)—None.

• Shockwave Effect w/Priority on Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly (1/10)—I’ll give a point to the rattling the plane endures from the shockwave.

 

Ok, let’s tally these babies up, reveal a winner! I’m ordering them weakest beer to cataclysmic awesomeness…

• Asteroid City—5 total points
• True Lies—8 total points
• Matinee—11 total points
• World War Z—11 total points
• Dark Knight Rises—12 total points
• Fat Man and Little Boy—14 total points
• Dr. Strangelove—15 total points
• Godzilla—15 total points
• Oppenheimer—16 total points
• Failsafe—17 total points
• The Day After—20 total points
• The Peacemaker—21 total points
• Sum of All Fears—22 total points
• Terminator 2: Judgment Day—25 total points
• Rogue One—28 total points
• Indiana Jones/Crystal Skull—33 total points

Wasn’t even close!