In the film world, a planned sequel often finds itself in limbo until its predecessor proves its box-office legitimacy.

Adapting this business model to the blogging world, I kept a close eye on the readership numbers for Part One of this planned Bond-song-ranking trilogy. Thankfully, my rabid fanbase came through big—for the first time in the history of the CFS I actually had to use both hands to tally the number of click-throughs! #onthecuspofviral

Quick Part One review:

#24 Never Say Never Again
#23 Die Another Day
#22 The Living Daylights
#21 The Man with the Golden Gun
#20 Octopussy
#19 Spectre
#18 Casino Royale

Onward…

#17 Tomorrow Never Dies (1997, dir: Roger Spottiswoode)

Song title: “Tomorrow Never Dies”
Performed by: Sheryl Crow
Music: David Arnold
Lyrics: Sheryl Crow

As a fan of Ms. Crow’s gravelly mezzo-soprano, this was a song I was really hoping to like. Sadly, it falls a bit short. Is it terrible? Not at all. But is it memorable in the tradition of the greatest Bond songs? Not even close. What’s holding it back? Well, first off, the song’s orchestral accompaniment is lacking Bondian flourishes—no lush strings or brassy wha-whas. Then there’s the chorus, which is strangely dissonant and, worse, seems to climb too high up the register for Crow’s voice to handle.

According to legend, Arnold wrote an early draft of what he hoped would become the opening theme, a song called “Surrender,” but it was rejected by the producers. They preferred a songwriting competition between popular artists du jour. Crow triumphed, or course, not particularly surprising considering her popularity back in 1997.

As for Arnold’s original composition, he recorded it with k.d. lang and it appears over the film’s end credits. Personally, I think his version crushes Crow’s attempt, but who am I? Both follow for your listening pleasure and judgment.

#16 License to Kill (1989, dir: John Glen) 

Song title: “License to Kill”
Performed by: Gladys Knight
Music: Michael Kamen
Lyrics: Narada Michael Walden, Jeffrey Cohen & Walter Afanasieff

If something about this tune strikes you as vaguely familiar, it’s because the main hook has been cribbed from Goldfinger. Pretty amazing (sad) that a team of four music industry veterans couldn’t find the inspiration to write something new. Or maybe their hands were tied by the producers demanding something safe. (Got a license to kill/And you know I’m going straight for your heart!) Smacks of corporations recycling old ad campaigns. Sad. So too is the song, this despite an impassioned performance by Ms. Knight, late of the Pips.

As for the film itself, Timothy Dalton’s second and final Bond outing, it’s definitely the most gruesome in the canon. Among the kills I can recall off the top of my head: a man maimed in a shark tank, a woman raped and killed on her honeymoon, a man exploded in a decompression chamber, a man burned alive with truck petrol, a man dropped into a cocaine shredder and a man impaled on the tine (or whatever they call it) of a forklift. As Roger Moore would say: “Charming.”

#15 Diamonds Are Forever (1971, dir: Guy Hamilton)

Song title: “Diamonds Are Forever”
Performed by: Shirley Bassey
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Don Black

While lyricist Black lays on thick the requisite double entendres, this particular Bond song is one of Barry’s least inspired, so much so that one of the film’s producers, Harry Saltzman, pushed for an alternative, a fight he lost.

The song’s mediocrity mirrors the film itself, which this viewer finds one of the lamer Bond adventures. What the song does have going for it, though, is Shirley Bassey, back for her second title song performance. Her voice just seems to class everything up a bit, doesn’t it? 

#14 From Russia With Love (1963, dir: Terence Young)

Song title: “From Russia with Love“
Performed by: Matt Monro
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Lionel Bart

Bond’s second outing is a bit tricky in terms of title song qualification because, unlike all the Bond films that follow (well, except for one, which we’ll get to later), it wasn’t played until the end credits. But we’ll allow it anyway.

FYI: the guy who wrote it, Lionel Bart, is the man we have to thank for Oliver, the 1969 musical that won the Academy Award for Best Picture over the likes of 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Battle of Algiers, Funny Girl, The Lion in the Winter, Rosemary’s Baby, etc. #OscarSoClueless

As for Matt Monro, the crooner who croons “From Russia with Love,” to my ears he sounds like a poor man’s Nat King Cole. But maybe I’m being unkind. Let’s face it—it’s hard to concentrate on Mr. Monro’s unique vocal gifts when fanning the hot blush from my cheeks caused by our heroes’ lascivious embrace (“James, behave yourself!”) as they sit in a prop boat in Pinewood Studios, Buckinghamshire, England. How this film avoided censorship via the Motion Picture Production Code is beyond me.

#13 Thunderball (1965, dir: Terence Young)

Song title: “Thunderball”
Performed by: Tom Jones
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Don Black

No doubt when John Barry had a look at Don Black’s downright Shakespearean “Thunderball” lyrics (He always runs when others walk/He acts while other men talk) he realized it would take a special kind of performer to do the song justice. Not just someone with the requisite pipes, but also virility and swagger. Someone who’s exposed chest hair could induce nuns from the Order of St. Vincent de Paul ‎to remove their brassieres and toss them at his feet. Thus he rang Tom Jones.

For those who listen all the way to the track’s end, you’ll be treated to an vein-popping final note, one that puts to shame anything Pavarotti could muster while tackling “Di qual tetra luce” from Verdi’s Il Trovatore.

Heck, just thinking about Jones’ vocal fireworks makes me want to tear off my underwear and fling it at my computer screen.

#12 The World is Not Enough (1999, dir: Michael Apted) 

Song title: “The World Is Not Enough”
Performed by: Garbage
Music: David Arnold
Lyrics: Don Black

It seems that Arnold was left to his own devices this time around (as opposed what happened to his original composition for 1997’s Tomorrow Never Dies) and it pays dividends. Personally, I can take or leave the band Garbage but, that said, they acquit themselves nicely in this very traditional-sounding Bond song, one that harkens back to some of the classic John Barry arrangements of yore.

If only Arnold had some say over the casting of Denise Richards as American nuclear physicist, Dr. Christmas Jones(!). Which is like having Pee Wee Herman play General George S. Patton. While neither Pierce Brosnan or Sophie Marceau will ever be mistaken for thespian heavyweights, when playing against the dog-paddling Richards they can’t help but project the gravity of an Olivier or Dame Judi Dench.

Speaking of Dame Judi, am I the only one who thinks her casting as M is pretty much the only good thing to come from Brosnan’s four-film stint as Bond?

#11 GoldenEye (1995, dir: Martin Campbell) 

Song title: “Goldeneye”
Performed by: Tina Turner
Music: Paul Hewson & David Evans
Lyrics: Hewson & Evans

The film that both reinvigorated (financially, that is) the failing franchise and introduced Brosnan as Bond also happened to feature a pretty terrific, hypnotically cadenced theme song written by two rockers better known by their stage names, Bono and The Edge.

Of course, it didn’t hurt to have the great Tina Turner handling vocal duty. Like Shirley Bassey, Turner’s voice adds an undefinable special sauce to the proceedings. (Apropos to nothing, I loved her turn as Aunty Entity in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.) The more I think about it, the more I wish she were my grandmother.

#10 Moonraker (1979, dir: Lewis Gilbert)

Song title: “Moonraker”
Performed by: Shirley Bassey
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Hal David

Has there ever been a Bond theme song packed with more absurd lyrics?

Where are you? Why do you hide?
Where is that moonlight trail that leads to your side?
Just like the Moonraker goes in search of his dream of gold
I search for love, for someone to have and hold

It’s easy to blame this travesty on the lyricist, Hal David. That is, if Mr. David were a songwriting slouch. But slouch doesn’t describe a man who won the 2011 Gershwin Prize for Popular Song. If I had a guess, I’d say David was presented an impossible task by the film’s producer: write whatever you want…as long as it incorporates the film’s non-sensical and virtually non-rhymable title. Thus…

Just like the Moonraker knows his dream will come true someday
I know that you are only a kiss away

So how does something so goofy reach #10 on this list? Well, despite the multi-car pileup that is the song’s words, it’s saved, for me at least, by three things:

#9 On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969, dir: Peter Hunt)

Song title: “We Have All the Time in the World”
Performed by: Louis Armstrong
Music: John Barry
Lyrics: Hal David

Similar to From Russia with Love, this bittersweet Bond ditty wasn’t used in the opening credits—those featured John Barry’s muscular score—but rather later in the film as Bond and his doomed fiancé, Countess Tracy di Vicenzo, court via montage.

There’s no doubt this could’ve ranked higher (lower?)—let’s face it, the song’s ticks off a bunch of key boxes: Intelligent lyric? (check) Lush Bondian arrangement? (check) Austin Powers-like late-60s trumpet toots at about 1:41? (check) A musical genius handling vocals? (check). Still, some points must be subtracted for the fact that it didn’t appear in the opening credits. That said, a couple of those points must be re-awarded for this being Armstrong’s last recording before he died in 1971. 

In the video provided below, please note that, for those big into karaoke, the clip features the song’s lyrics superimposed over the visuals. Have at it!

Part Three coming soon!