I don’t know about you, but the byproducts of COVID-19 isolation—soul-crushing ennui, crippling depression, nightmares in which Mike Pence calls me “mother” before sneezing in my face—has made the thought of writing a movie blogpost about as appealing as a nasopharyngeal swab.

 

However, as a very wise man once tweeted, “WE CANNOT LET THE CURE BE WORSE THAN THE PROBLEM ITSELF!” Thus inspired, I sit with MacBook on lap, a pint glass of Formula 409 by my side.

In deference to my (the nation’s?) dark mood, I’ve decided this post should adopt more scholarly tone, not unlike a documentary featuring Judy Mikovits. But where to turn for subject matter of such gravity? The key, it seems, is looking to the past, a time when movies were recorded and projected on celluloid, a time before all that Marvel/DC nonsense invaded theater marquees like so much kudzu, a time when studio executives in Dacron suits were unafraid to take a flier on challenging material.

I speak, of course, about the early 1980s and, more specifically, two classics that defined the era:

Let’s dig into each and then, in classic head-to-head fashion, decide which is the more important work of art.

Xanadu (1980, Dir. Robert Greenwald)

Synopsis—Not to be confused with Charles Foster Kane’s sprawling mansion/grounds in Florida, nor the drugs Zantac or Xanax, this film, the “most dazzling romantic musical fantasy in years,” pretty much defies description unless one has cleared 12 feet off a three-foot bong.

Olivia Newton-John stars as Kira, a mysterious beauty who, in a chance encounter involving roller skates and a rotoscoped magical outline, has captured the heart of impoverished painter, Sonny (Michael Beck).

Unbeknownst to Sonny, Kira is one of the nine Muses, them of ancient Greece, the kind you would’ve read about in Edith Hamilton’s Mythology as a sophomore in high school if you hadn’t blown it off because “reading sucks.” It seems Kira and her eight sisters travel between Olympus and earth via a mural. (Ed. note: Burbling sound as author pauses to extend his intake to 15 feet.) Their purpose among the mortals? Inspire young artists sporting the kind of flowing, feathered hair that would’ve send Leif Garrett and Rula Lenska into fits of jealous rage.

Duly inspired/smitten by his chance encounter with Kira, Sonny, with the help of an older gentleman named Danny (Gene Kelly, in his final film role before retiring), decides to open “Xanadu,” a nightclub awash in giant coiffure, roller skating and diegetic music provided by ELO. Oh, and Danny has a past with Kira, one that caused him to abandon his dreams back around WW2, but I won’t go into that because the room in which I type has become unfixed in space and is traveling sideways at great speed.

Despite her love for Sonny, Kira must return to Olympus because even immortals have unreasonable fathers. Undeterred, Sonny straps on a pair of skates and rollers through the mural and into the land of the Gods.

After a fantasy sequence involving Kira and Sonny becoming cartoons—(Ed. note: More burbling)—the couple returns to earth to participate in a BIG finale involving all nine of the Muses, more roller skating and Michael Beck basically undoing any street cred he’d built up playing Swan, his gang’s conflicted new warlord in Walter Hill’s The Warriors (1979).

Final though: Gene Kelly probably should’ve wrapped his illustrious career after co-starring in 1977’s Viva Knievel!

Here’s the Xanadu trailer….

Grease 2 (1982, Dir: Patricia Birch)

Synopsis—Two years after the memorable denouement of the original film (“You’re the One That I Want”/Sandy in skin-tight black leather pants) and unable to return the key players (Travolta, Newton-John), who had achieved superstar status in the interim, this sequel gathers a whole new troupe of middle-aged adults playing 17-year-olds, namely a then-unknown-but-soon-to-be-a-superstar Michelle Pfeiffer and then-unknown-but-soon-to-be-relegated-to-the-where-are-they-now-file, British heartthrob Maxwell Caulfield.

English exchange student Michael Carrington (Caulfield) finds himself the proverbial fish out of water at Rydell High in the year of our Lord 1961. Luckily, his cousin, Sandy (an MIA Newton-John) has asked her best bud, 12th-year senior Frenchy (Didi Conn, also from first film and appearing in the flesh), to make introductions. In short order Michael is smitten with Stephanie Zinone (Pfieffer), de facto leader of the Pink Ladies. Problem is, Zinone only dates one kind of guy: a biker, not unlike Joe Namath in CC and Company. This inspires Michael to assume an alter ego, “Cool Rider,” the kind of leather-clad/violent gearhead greaser who Zinone can share a cherry Coke with.

Get this, though: in a twist of fate sure to be studied by film historians for centuries, Zinone starts falling for a second boy, this one the nerd who’s tutoring her in English, the one and only Michael!

Misunderstandings and hilarity ensue. Motorcycles are raced, fisticuffs threatened, talent shows won, cigs smoked, lipstick applied, all to a memorable soundtrack of toe-tapping hits, including the innuendo-heavy “Score Tonight,” the bomb-shelter-date-rape ditty “Let’s Do It For Our Country,” the island-inflected “Rock-a-Hula Luau” and, of course, the tear-jerking “(Love Will) Turn Back the Hands of Time.”

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the trailer in German:

Xanadu vs. Grease 2: Head-to-head

Direction

• Robert Greenwald (Xanadu)—Points subtracted for making the film that ushered in the Golden Raspberry Awards. Points awarded for the fact that Mr. Greenwald went on to helm The Burning Bed, the TV movie that highlighted Farrah Fawcett’s dramatic chops.
• Patricia Birch (Grease 2)—Points subtracted for ending the promising career of mega-stud Maxwell Caulfield. Points awarded for the fact that Ms. Birch was tasked with the impossible: follow up a mega-successful film adaptation that also happened to feature enough memorable songs to fill the cargo bed of a Chevy El Camino.
• Winner—Tie. Misery loves company.

Mise en scene

• Xanadu—A roller disco, funky murals, Mt. Olympus = let me pack this bowl and I’m in
• Grease 2—Early 1960’s high school = been there, done that like 200 times
• Winner—Xanadu, by a mile

Music/Songs

• Xanadu—ELO/Newton-John dueting the title track? Newton-John’s mega-hit Magic (“destin-in-ee will arrive!”). What more needs to be said?
• Grease 2—Note the song titles mentioned in the synopsis above. Now try to hum one.
• Winner—Xanadu, by a mile

Star Wattage

• Xanadu—Australia’s sweetheart Newton-John? Tough guy playing against type Michael Beck? One of the all-time great hoofers Gene Kelly? Doesn’t seem a fair fight. Although…
• Grease 2—I think it’s safe to say that Maxwell Caulfield is considerably more charming/appealing than the sharp-featured Mr. Beck. What’s not so safe is this: in terms of the ladies, I’m going to a commit sacrilege here by saying that, despite her pending ascension into Hollywood’s firmament, Ms. Pfeiffer can’t hold a rotoscoped lighting effect to the girl-next-door Newton-John.
• Winner—Xanadu, because of Kelly.

Supporting Cast

• Xanadu—The acting equivalent of the songs from Grease 2.
• Grease 2—From Adrian Zmed to Lorna Luft, Didi Conn to Sid Caesar, Tab Hunter to Connie Stevens, we’re basically faced with a murderer’s row of song/dance/deadpan comedy talent
• Winner—Grease 2, by a mile.

The Conflicted Film Snob hereby designates the following as one of the Great Filmmaking Achievements of the Early 1980s…